Darcy Swipes Left Read online

  Jane and Lizzy have checked into Longbourn.

  Mr. Bennet and Miss Bingley like this.

  Jane: Home at last!

  Bingley: Hope u got there safely.

  To: The Bennet Family

  From: Mr. William Collins When: Monday, November 18, at 4pm What: I'm coming over so I can apologize 4 inheriting ur estate as the closest male relative. Sucks that u'll be homeless if Mr. Bennet dies. Can't wait 2 the ! Ur welcome!

  cc: Lady Catherine de Bourgh

  Mrs. Bennet I HATE that a random relative that we don't even KNOW is inheriting our estate, just bc we don't have any sons. BUT maybe he'll want 2 1 of our daughters.

  REPLY

  Lydia: is he a soldier?

  Mrs. Bennet: Nope! He's a clergyman.

  Lydia: swipes left

  Mr. Collins Dinner at my future house! #NomNomNom

  REPLY

  Collins: Lady Catherine de Bourgh, wish you were here!

  Lady Catherine de Bourgh: I'm most certainly glad I'm not. --LCdB

  Lydia: i wish those soldiers we saw today were here!

  Kitty: fans herself

  Lizzy: SMH

  Lady Catherine de Bourgh: I do not approve of acronyms, improper punctuation, or the silly little pictures you are employing. How do I report? --LCdB

  Collins

  Mrs. Bennet, I think it's only right 4 me 2 offer marriage 2 one of ur daughters, so that the stays in the once I inherit it. Therefore, I've decided I would be willing to marry Jane. #HumbleBrag

  Mrs. Bennet

  OoOoOoh, well, that's a very good idea, though Jane is prob going 2 marry someone else very soon. (Bingley) wink wink

  Collins

  Ah. I see. Well then, how about the next prettiest?

  Mrs. Bennet

  Lizzy? ?

  Collins

  Perfect! I'll start looking at venues.

  Jane Out and about in Meryton!--with Collins, Lizzy, Kitty, and Lydia.

  Denny likes this.

  REPLY

  Denny: Lydia, I'm in town, getting my redcoat cleaned. Gotta look good in my uniform, right? Get @ me. My friend Wickham's here 2.

  Darcy: Wickham?? WTF!

  Wickham post: Oh, hey Darcy.

  Wickham

  Nice meeting you @ your aunt's party, Lizzy. Not to change the subject, but do u know how long Darcy will be in town? #TBT #Awkward

  Lizzy

  IDK, how do u know him?

  Wickham

  Long short, we've known each other since we were , when my father was his father's steward.

  Lizzy

  Is it just me, or does that guy suck?

  Wickham

  I'm biased, but yeah. Glad you agree! We used to be BFFs. Darcy's father ed me. He promised to help me pay for my dream job in the ! I would have made an awesome pastor. But when he died, Darcy plotted against me and made sure I didn't get it.

  Same w/ his sister, Georgiana. I thought we were #Meant2B, but now we don't even talk.

  Lizzy

  !

  Wickham

  Yep, but maybe keep it between us.

  Lizzy

  I feel bad 4 whatever girl ends up w/ him!

  Wickham

  Yeah, he's supposed to Lady Catherine de Bourgh's daughter.

  Lizzy

  Oh? I hear she's . That poor girl can't catch a break. #SoSad

  Wickham

  Yeah...but my story is sadder, right??

  Lizzy

  I HAVE to tell you what Wickham told me last night.

  Hold on. I'll send you the messages....

  Jane

  OMG, is this true? Could Darcy really have done all those terrible things to Wickham? I can't believe it. Bingley thinks so highly of him.

  Lizzy

  Why would Wickham make it up? It's DARCY we're talking about. Even you can't deny what a jerk he is!

  Jane

  Darcy can't be all bad. Maybe it's a misunderstanding?

  Lizzy

  You're 2 nice, Jane.

  Bingley Bingley has created an event: Ball at Netherfield.

  Mrs. Bennet, Kitty, and Lydia like this.

  REPLY

  Wickham: Out of town on business--sorry!

  Darcy likes this.

  Dancer

  Elizabeth Bennet's 1st Dance is now available.

  Mr. Collins asks Elizabeth Bennet to dance.

  Elizabeth Bennet reluctantly accepts. #SwipesRight

  Elizabeth Bennet's 2nd Dance is now available.

  Mr. Collins asks Elizabeth Bennet to dance.

  Elizabeth Bennet very reluctantly accepts. #SwipesRight

  Fitzwilliam Darcy askes Elizabeth Bennet to dance.

  Elizabeth Bennet accepts to avoid Mr. Collins. #SwipesRight

  Mr. Collins: N O O O O O O O O O O

  Charlotte

  Lizzy, stop being so bummed Wickham isn't here. Don't b stupid & on a guy w/ 10x more just because you have a crush!

  Lizzy

  Oh, shut up, Charlotte. #AlwaysPractical

  Lizzy

  So, Darcy, what do u have against Wickham?

  Darcy

  IMHO he's good @ making friends, but not keeping them.

  Lizzy

  Too bad he can't just be perfect all the time, like u.

  Darcy

  Srsly.

  Miss Bingley

  Hey, Lizzy! So I ur into Wickham, huh? It's none of my business, but just FYI that guy is trouble.

  Lizzy

  You're right.

  Miss Bingley

  That he's trouble?

  Lizzy

  That it's none of your business.

  Collins

  Lizzy, can I get Mr. Darcy's number?

  Lizzy

  What? Why? No.

  Collins

  Nvmd, I can just send him a request on Dancer.

  Lizzy

  Absolutely do not do that. So uncool!!!!

  Collins

  Too late!

  Dancer

  Fitzwilliam Darcy is now available to dance.

  Mr. Collins asks Fitzwilliam Darcy to dance.

  Fitzwilliam Darcy declines. #SwipesLeft

  Collins

  Darcy, my boy!

  Darcy

  Do I know you?

  Collins

  I'll give u a hint. Check out our mutual friends.

  Mr. Collins and Darcy have one friend in common: Lady Catherine de Bourgh

  Pretty cool, huh?

  Darcy?

  Darcy?

  Darcy has added Collins to Blocked Callers List.

  Mrs. Bennet Mrs. Bennet has created a wedding board:

  REPLY

  Jane: Mom, take that down!!!! Everyone can .

  Lizzy: Srsly, delete this!

  Mrs. Bennet: Why?? Lizzy, Jane marrying means u might marry 2! #Blessed

  FML. Mom went on and on all night about Jane and Bingley, and how much she hates Darcy. Then Mary got up and sang TERRIBLY in front of everyone. I thought I was going to die. Just when it couldn't get any worse, Collins gave a ridiculous speech. It's like my family is TRYING to ruin my life.

  Lizzy Notification: Mr. Collins has asked you to marry him. Do you accept?

  YES :) No :(

  REPLY

  Lizzy

  WTF?! Collins, why do you want to get married?!

  Collins

  I knew u would ask, so I made this .

  Reasons 2 Get Married

  #1 Lady Catherine de Bourgh wants me to.

  #2 Happiness

  #3 To set a good example for my parish

  #4 FOMO

  #5 YOLO

  Lizzy

  No, I mean...why do you want to get married to ME?

  Collins

  Lots of ladies want 2 marry me, but since I'm inheriting ur father's estate, I should marry 1 of his daughters to make every1 . I'm such a nice guy, I won't even make him give me a dowry!

  Lizzy

  Hold up. I'm not marryin
g u. Thx, but no.

  Collins

  Aw, r u doin that thing where u say no but u rly mean yes? So cute.

  Lizzy

  No means no.

  Collins

  But I have ! And connections (LCdB)! And no one else may ever ask you! Your biological is ticking, u know....

  Lizzy

  Don't make this harder than it has to be. It's not happening.

  Collins

  Adorable. I will take it up w/ ur parents, then.

  Group text: Mrs. Bennet, Mr. Bennet, Lizzy Mrs. Bennet

  Lizzy, if you don't marry Mr. Collins I will never you again!!!

  Mr. Bennet

  Well, you have a difficult decision to make, Lizzy. Because if you DO marry Mr. Collins, I'LL never u again.

  Lizzy

  From: Caroline Bingley

  To: Jane Bennet

  Subject: Leaving! Wish u could come, but u can't!

  Just wanted 2 let u know we (all of us, including my brother) r leaving Netherfield 4 a long I don't know if/when we r coming back.

  --Caroline Bingley xoxo

  PS: Hate 2 break it 2 u, but my brother will probably fall in with Georgiana Darcy. Can't blame him, rly. She's beautiful, rich, elegant & accomplished. Their will bring so much 2 so many ppl.

  Kk. Buh-bye!

  Jane

  Lizzy, I just got the worst !

  Bingley is leaving and never coming back!

  Lizzy

  WHAT?! Jane, this doesn't sound like something he would do. I bet his sisters are behind it.

  Jane

  Maybe, but what difference does it make now?

  List of People 2 Marry:

  Jane

  Lizzy

  Charlotte

  Mary

  Lydia

  Kitty

  Charlotte Notification: Mr. Collins has asked you to marry him. Do you accept?

  YES :) No :(

  REPLY

  Should I Marry Mr. Collins??

  Pros

  Comfortable

  Connections

  Good character

  Situation in life

  Don't have to become a governess

  Cons

  Being married to Mr. Collins

  Charlotte Charlotte is now engaged to Mr. Collins.

  REPLY

  Mrs. Bennet: Oh, did you see that, Lizzy? Charlotte is engaged. Charlotte will inherit your childhood home. #SlowClap Lady Lucas: How old is Mr. Bennet, exactly? How's his health? Do you mind if I stop by to take some measurements of your parlor?

  So disappointed in my friend Charlotte. Getting to Collins! Our relationship is changed forever.

  - Volume 2 -

  From: Caroline Bingley

  To: Jane Bennet

  Subject: London is the BEST

  Greetings from London! Bingley is sry he didn't get 2 say a proper good-bye when we left Netherfield (probably 4ever).

  Luv ya!

  --Caroline Bingley xx

  PS: Georgiana Darcy is even prettier IRL than I remembered!

  Jane

  Bingley's never coming back.

  Lizzy

  I'm so sorry, Jane.

  Ur an . I u. The more I of the , the less I understand it.

  1) How could Bingley leave you?

  2) How could Charlotte marry Collins? WTF?

  Jane

  Oh, Lizzy. Don't be so harsh!

  Lizzy

  I'm not being harsh. I'm being honest!

  Mrs. Gardiner

  Surprise, Lizzy! Your uncle and I are coming to visit. It's a Christmas miracle!

  Lizzy

  You're in town?! Hooray! What a good !

  Mrs. Gardiner

  Yes, and I want to hear ALL your thoughts on Bingley and Jane. Do you think he was really into her?

  Lizzy

  Definitely! He ignored everyone else and only paid attention to her. When he left, it was so weird.

  Mrs. Gardiner

  Do you think Jane would come back to London with us?

  Lizzy

  Good idea! I bet she would.

  Mrs. Gardiner

  Excellent! And I want YOU to come with us on vacation later this year!

  Lizzy

  Count me in! Thx, Auntie!

  Charlotte Charlotte Lucas is now married to William Collins.

  Jane likes this.

  REPLY

  Jane: Congratulations!

  Lizzy: I you, Charlotte! I hope it all turns out like you want it to.

  From: Jane Bennet

  To: Lizzy Bennet

  Subject: Lonely in London

  Lizzy!

  It's been 4 weeks and I still haven't run into Bingley. His sister waited 2 weeks(!) to say hi. When she did come over, she was so incredibly rude. I don't want 2 b friends w/ her anymore. Maybe she's protective of Bingley?? But that doesn't make sense bc he's completely ghosted me anyway. No , no , no . Nothing. Caroline even said he knew I was here. Maybe I'll never find . Time to start collecting s! Hope things are better on your end.

  xox Jane

  Miss King Miss King has inherited a lot of .

  Wickham likes this.

  REPLY

  Mrs. Gardiner Wickham is now engaged to Miss King.

  REPLY

  Mrs. Gardiner

  Lizzy, don't you think it's odd that Wickham hooked up with Miss King so quickly after she came into money?

  Lizzy

  I don't think he's a gold digger, if that's what you're getting @.

  Mrs. Gardiner

  You said it--not me!

  Lizzy has checked into Hunsford Parsonage.

  Charlotte likes this.

  Charlotte: Thanks for visiting! The next 6 weeks are going to be awesome!!

  Collins: Can't wait to show u what u've been missing, Lizzy.

  Mr. Collins Mr. Collins has sent an update to all attendees of Dinner at Rosings with Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

  Attire: Wear the nicest clothes you have, but don't feel bad if you don't have anything nice enough. Lady Catherine de Bourgh wants people to dress according to their rank anyway.

  PS: Don't be late!

  REPLY

  Lady Catherine de Bourgh

  So. Lizzy. How many sisters do you have? --LCdB

  Are they married? --LCdB

  Are they attractive? --LCdB

  Are they educated? --LCdB

  What kind of carriage do you have? --LCdB

  Lizzy

  Oh wow. Where to begin? So many questions!

  Pretty sure Lady Catherine de Bourgh is trying to steal my identity.

  Lady Catherine de Bourgh

  Do you still have a governess? --LCdB

  Lizzy

  We never had one, actually.

  Lady Catherine de Bourgh

  Families with even less money than yours train their daughters!

  Lizzy

  Would you excuse me? My is about to die.

  Collins

  What did you think? Isn't Lady Catherine de Bourgh the best EVER? You're she talked to you, Lizzy. You're so beneath her, you know.

  I've been here for 2 weeks. We have gone to Rosings a # of times, all of which were terrible! But I did get some interesting --Darcy is coming tonight. I don't really want to see him, but it will be good for LCdB to have some fresh meat, not to mention I'll get to see how he acts with his "soul mate," Miss de Bourgh. #OTP Ha!

  Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam have checked into Rosings.

  Darcy

  Just got here.

  Lizzy

  I saw.